“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” - 1 Corinthians 13:12
There are moments in life when clarity only comes later… after the reflection, after the reckoning.
I remember when I first moved from Los Angeles to New York City back in the mid-90s. I had just graduated from college and landed a job at the iconic hip-hop label Def Jam. The move happened fast. I got the call that I was hired on a Friday afternoon. By Sunday night, I was on a red-eye. I landed at JFK at 6:00 a.m. Monday morning.
I was a fish out of water. I knew no one except my manager and lived alone in a hotel on 51st and Lexington for months. It was October, and this California girl wasn’t ready for New York’s fall or what came after.
There’s one day in particular that still sticks with me.
I’d had a rough day at work. I clashed with a senior manager, someone highly respected in the industry. The interaction left me deflated. For the first time since moving to New York, I questioned whether I’d made the right decision.
That night, I returned to my dim hotel room, exhausted, lonely, and homesick. I walked into the bathroom, flipped on the light, and stared at myself in the mirror.
I said out loud, “When I no longer like the person I see staring back at me, that’s when it’s time to go home.”
That hotel mirror moment was just the first of many times I’d question the cost of trying to fit into spaces not designed for me.
Throughout my professional journey, there were moments when I didn’t like the version of myself staring blankly back. That’s hard to admit, then and now. I climbed the corporate ladder and collected the material symbols of success: the title, the house, the car, the purse, the salary. But it all felt hollow.
Because the one constant in the equation, me, was running on empty. No external validation could refill what was missing.
That mirror has followed me through every phase of my life, often reflecting not just who I am but who the world expects me to be.
Impression Management
I recently read an article in Harvard Business Review titled, “How Women in Leadership Can Shape How Others See Them.” It opened with something most of us already know:
“Impression management is a critical part of every leader’s job. People’s perceptions of leaders directly impact their reputation, credibility, and status, which in turn influence their opportunities, assignments, latitude, and ultimately their career trajectory…”
Ok, nothing new or surprising here.
But then came this:
“This means that, on top of their day-to-day responsibilities, women in leadership can find themselves battling stereotypes that are emotionally charged and harder to shake once activated in the minds of their colleagues.”
Be right back, just slipping off the glass cliff, again.
On top of running companies, managing teams, and holding families together, we’re still contending with outdated archetypes and double standards. My personal Board of Directors, the women I trust most, have all lived this. Some days, it’s not balance. It’s survival.
How many times have I offered an idea in a meeting only to be met with silence, then watched a man repeat the same point and be praised for his brilliance?
How many times have I advocated for a promotion based on work I was already doing, only to be met with surprise that I dared ask?
Bias may be subconscious, but its impact is unmistakable. And for women, especially women of color, the list of obstacles often feels endless.
It’s triggering. It’s exhausting.
And honestly, has it gotten better?
Since this article was published just last month, maybe not.
The Woman in the Mirror
But all is not lost.
Because becoming a leader isn’t just about achievement. It’s not about overnight success. And it’s certainly not about a title.
It’s a transformation.
Over the years, I’ve had extraordinary managers who saw me, invested in me, and challenged me to grow. I’ve also had some… less-than-stellar ones.
And I’ve learned from both. People are always surprised when I say that.
The version of Amani standing here today isn’t the leader others predicted I’d become.
I am the leader I chose to become.
A leader shaped not just by accolades or adversity, but by an unrelenting commitment to look in the mirror and tell the truth.
The truth that some rooms were never built with me in mind.
The truth that I stayed anyway, and changed the room.
The truth that I’ve doubted myself more times than I can count.
And the truth that each time I looked into that dimly lit mirror, I still found the courage to keep going.
Because in that mirror, even when the image was blurry, I knew I was being shaped for something greater.
What I’ve Learned Along the Way
If you’re standing in front of your own dimly lit mirror, here’s what I wish someone had told me:
Build your own Board of Directors. Find women who’ve walked similar paths and will tell you the truth, both when you’re selling yourself short and when you’re losing yourself trying to fit in. They become your compass when the mirror gets too cloudy.
Notice when you’re performing versus leading. There’s a difference between adapting your communication style and contorting yourself into someone else’s expectations. If you’re exhausted from managing impressions instead of energized by the work itself, that’s your signal.
Ask yourself the mirror question regularly. Not just “Do I like who I see?” but “Am I becoming who I’m meant to be, or who others expect me to be?” The answer will guide your next moves.
Document your wins. Keep a record of your contributions, your ideas that got adopted (even when credited to someone else), your impact. You’ll need these reminders on the days when the mirror reflects doubt instead of confidence.
Choose your battles, but don’t stop fighting. You can’t change every room at once, but you can change the ones where your voice matters most.
And maybe that’s what faith really is.
Seeing yourself, dimly at first, but believing that clarity will come, not just about who you are, but whose you are.
I still ask myself, “Do you like the woman in the mirror?”
And most days, the answer is yes.
On the days when it isn’t?
I know it’s time to get quiet, get honest, and begin again.
Go forth my Muses and be the way. I am rooting for you, always.
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